Recently, I witnessed an interesting scene at a local parents' meeting. A father confidently stated while sipping coffee, "My kid handles college applications completely on their own; I don't lift a finger."

However, a few days later, as I happened to pass by their house, I noticed the living room light was on past one in the morning, and the father and child were sitting side by side, staring at a laptop screen. They were probably looking at a draft of an essay.

This kind of scene is more common among American parents than one might think. On the surface, they pretend to be uninvolved, but behind the scenes, they are working harder than anyone else to help.

Why do they all pretend not to help? The answer surprisingly lies with the admissions officers.

Admissions officers, who read thousands of essays each year, can expertly detect when an adult's vocabulary and style pop up in a student's writing, according to various admissions experts. If a student uses expressions they don't typically use or if the sentences are unusually polished for a high school student, that alone can be a reason for a lower score.

So, from a parent's perspective, they feel the need to help but must do so without it being obvious, creating a strangely exhausting balancing act. Perhaps this is why everyone keeps saying, "My kid can handle it on their own."

In fact, this principle is not only a matter of atmosphere but is also codified in regulations. Most college applications require students to confirm that the essay is an honest product of their own work before hitting the submit button. Therefore, acknowledging significant parental involvement complicates matters from a principled standpoint.

Families that find this game of subtlety burdensome often choose to hire professionals. According to data from the college consulting industry, the average consulting fee is around $5,000, but it can range from as low as $200 to over $200,000.

One consulting firm in New York charges $120,000 over four years of high school, and when including test preparation costs, the total family expenditure can reach $500,000 by graduation. This is akin to pouring the price of a decent house into college admissions.

As the personal consulting market has grown, the total industry revenue has ballooned to $3 billion as of 2024. It seems that college admissions have indeed become an industry.

The lack of sufficient counseling within schools also contributes to this situation. The average student-to-counselor ratio in American public schools is 405 to 1, making it physically challenging for a single counselor to adequately support each student.

Given this situation, parents end up taking on the role of counselors, and if this goes too far, they earn the label of "snowplow parents." This term gained traction during the 2019 college admissions scandal when it was revealed that some parents had paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes for their children's admissions, drawing public attention.

Since that incident, the atmosphere has shifted oddly. It has become somewhat shameful to show any involvement in a child's college admissions process.

Interestingly, this game of subtlety is not only played by parents. Children also tend not to mention how much help their parents provided in front of their friends. Both parents and children want to appear as if they succeeded purely on their own efforts.

As a result, parents engage in a double play, actively helping while outwardly maintaining distance. This may not be so much about respecting their child's independence but rather a fear of being perceived as overbearing parents.

Personally, I wonder why it is considered shameful for parents to care about their children's matters. Acknowledging help while maintaining boundaries seems much healthier than secretly hiding it and playing a game of subtlety.