Lately, I've been thinking a lot about this. "Was I really such a boring person?"

When I was in middle and high school, the TV show 'Legend of the Home' was so scary.

I would scream at the scenes where a virgin ghost or a goblin with red eyes would fly in to attack someone, and after watching the drama 'M' with Shin Eun-ha, I couldn't look in the mirror properly for days. I had to leave the door open when going to the bathroom and sleep with the light on.

That tension, that chilling emotion, and the thrilling feeling were strangely enjoyable. It might have been my way of relieving stress.

But these days, I don't get scared at all when watching horror movies. Even if a ghost suddenly appears, I think, "That's CGI, and they added sound effects."

I notice the atmosphere of the film set, the computer graphics technology, I see the actors in makeup, and the staff adding sound effects automatically comes to mind. At some point, I feel like I've become an 'interpreter' rather than a 'viewer' and think, "This is why it's not fun anymore."

I go to church and pray. I try to gather my thoughts, seek peace, and be grateful.

However, this feeling of 'boredom' is separate from prayer. The moment the things I used to enjoy become boring one by one, it feels like my heart is empty. It's not that horror movies being uninteresting is important, but the fact that nothing feels the same as before is strange and scary. I wonder if it's all because I'm getting old, or if it's just that my heart is tired.

A few months ago, my eldest son's couple lost their child. The news I heard from the hospital was hundreds of times scarier than anything in a movie. I just held my daughter-in-law's hand as she quietly sobbed, but since that day, I have also crumbled. The absence of the long-awaited grandchild soon became the silence of the entire family, and that silence occasionally overwhelms me.

Now, this is terrifying.

What is scarier than ghosts is the well-being of me and my family. The expression of my daughter-in-law waiting for health check results, my husband's repeated words about being tired, and the phone call from a friend whose voice is unusually quiet today are all frightening.

In the past, I would think, "They'll feel better after some rest," but now it has changed to, "What if it's a serious illness?"

I've come to realize that true fear is not in movies but in reality. The scariest thing, more than any monster, is when someone we love is sick or disappears.

Is it because I'm getting old? Or is it because my emotions are drying up?

As I age, the depth of my emotions seems to deepen, but conversely, the ups and downs of my feelings seem to decrease.

In exchange for becoming more peaceful, things feel less fun, less funny, and less moving. Instead, I become more cautious and more scared.

Today, I went to church and prayed. "Lord, please don't let my heart become too dull."

Aging is inevitable, but I hope that within it, I can still have a heart that can be moved, and sometimes feel chills and surprise.

Still, for now, even if it's not scary, it's a relief that I can watch an old horror movie and smile at the memories it brings back.