I'm thirty-two this year and will be thirty-three next year... To be honest, when people say, 'You're still young,' it feels more like a comforting expression than a reality.

Living as a woman these days feels like living with an expiration date, which can be quite frustrating.

Marriage is said to be a choice, yet it strangely feels like there's only one option. Questions like "Who are you dating these days?" and the subtle glances from relatives at family gatherings, as well as wedding invitations popping up on social media, all seem to carry the subtitle, "Why are you still single?"

It feels like the time to have children, the time when my parents are healthy, and the time when society doesn't bother women all have expiration dates attached.

That doesn't mean I don't need love. I do want to come home to someone I like, cook together, lean on each other while watching movies, and enjoy that common happiness.

The problem is... the reality is that there's no one like that next to me right now. I don't even know where to find such a person, dating seems stagnant, all the decent people around me are already taken, and the remaining options fall into categories like "very exhausting," "too young," or "weird," which is a sad truth.

Then one day, out of the blue, I had this thought.

What if I have and raise a daughter?

With whom? That's a problem for later, haha.

... Am I going crazy?

Strangely, these days, the word "mom" resonates more with me than "wife."

Rather than a romance with some man, I can vividly imagine a peaceful daily life with a little child who resembles me. Holding my child's hand for a neighborhood walk, baking cookies together, and hearing the voice calling "Mom~"—I wonder what that would feel like.

If I could live with just the role of "mom" instead of the whole package of "marriage," wouldn't that be another kind of happiness? I've heard that Sayuri in Korea is raising a child with donated sperm... I think that takes a lot of courage.

Of course, I don't have the illusion that raising a child alone will be all romantic. I know how mentally exhausting it can be to hear a baby crying in the early morning, and I understand how tough it is to bear the financial responsibility alone. Yet, strangely, I feel like my life would become more solid, that I would take root somewhere, and that the reason for living would become very clear, bringing a warmth that grows within me.

The problem is, the world doesn't leave me alone. When I say I want to live like a cloud, I hear things like, "Then what about marriage?" "What about your age?" "If you don't start now, it'll be too late!" Those words sound like marriage is an essential update patch for my life... it's really exhausting.

Marriage.
Will I get married someday?
Or is it something I really have to do?
Or can't I just hold a daughter and live the way I want?

Still, someday, really someday, I imagine myself holding a little daughter in my arms with a heart as soft as a cloud.

That image is the only scene that brings me peace these days.