These days, I often look up at the sky.
The clouds look endlessly soft and relaxed.

I just want to live like that, flowing with the wind.
Without being chased by something, without explaining to anyone, and being able to smile for no reason... that kind of life.

I currently live in San Diego.
It's been 14 years since I came to the United States.

Now I work in English, drive quite well, and have become somewhat proficient.
But for some reason, these days, living in America feels quite exhausting.

Sometimes I miss Korea, and sometimes I think, "But America is better."
I have a fear that if I go back to Korea, I will have to start all over again, and being here makes me feel like I'm constantly relying on a foreign country.
In other words, I feel like my life is floating without being rooted anywhere.

And one more thing.
Marriage.
It's quite strange.

It's not something I want, but there's a strange pressure that I can't avoid.

Friends are getting married one by one, having kids, decorating their homes, and posting pictures of pushing baby carts in the supermarket.

Seeing that, I don't really feel envious...

But somehow, I still feel like I'm standing still.

I'm thirty-two this year.

I can laugh and chat now, but I think there might come a moment when I feel really lonely without someone by my side.

I'm okay, but the world is not okay.
The looks at family gatherings, the questions from colleagues, the wedding invitations from someone on social media.
All of it makes me feel like it's saying, "Are you still alone?"

And above all, being a woman is painful.
They say marriage is a choice, but in reality, it's not.
Just because I'm a woman, I have to face questions like 'When will you stop living alone?'
And if I get a little older, I'll hear, "You really need to hurry now."

The time to have children, the time while my parents are alive, the time society accepts...
Everything feels like it has a deadline.

But my heart still wants to be free.
Living alone is nice, traveling is nice, and quietly enjoying a glass of wine after work is also very nice.
But it's frustrating and painful that the current me feels like an "incomplete person" to someone.

It's not that I don't want to love.
I want to walk with someone I like, come home at the same time, and watch a movie leaning on each other.
But right now, there's no one like that.

I don't know who to meet, where to meet, or how to meet.
It seems like all the good people are taken, and what's left are either strange, too young, or too tired people.

So I say I just want to live like a cloud.
Flowing along, stopping when I want to stop, and resting when I want to rest.
I want to live as just 'me', without being anyone's daughter or anyone's wife, as a weightless existence.

But the world doesn't let that happen.
It tells me to get married.
It tells me not to be late.

And those words are shaking my heart more and more, pressing down on me,

making even this moment feel anxious.

Marriage.
Will I ever do it?
Do I really have to?

Today, I look up at the clouds again and think.
Like those flowing clouds,
isn't it okay to live a little more freely?