One of my friends recently brought up an interesting point. Every time they hear that their parents' generation struggled to achieve the current level of living, they feel a discomfort in their heart. At first, I didn't understand why someone who is considered successful would look so uneasy.

However, upon reflection, I realized it wasn't an unfamiliar scene. A casual remark from parents at the dinner table, saying, "I came this far because of you." The child may laugh it off, but everyone has likely felt the air grow slightly heavier in that moment.

Interestingly, when friends from families that did not immigrate hear the same story, they often tilt their heads in confusion. While the appreciation for parental struggles is similar across families, the feeling of having to repay that debt daily is certainly different.

Sociologist Vivian Louie has summarized this structure with the term "immigrant bargain." It's an implicit agreement that, in exchange for the risks parents took by immigrating, children must prove that choice through their achievements. The problem is that the children never signed this agreement.

Research on children from immigrant families repeatedly shows that they feel a much stronger sense of responsibility towards their families compared to their peers who were born and raised in the U.S. They feel a heightened sense of obligation to help their families, prioritize their parents' opinions, and contribute financially.

This sense of responsibility often begins at a very young age. Many can recall reading documents or answering phone calls for their parents at hospitals or banks. In fact, studies show that a significant number of children from immigrant and refugee families have taken on these interpreting roles from a young age. A notable percentage of them remember that role not as a help but as a burden.

Interestingly, research indicates that this sense of responsibility is not psychologically harmful. A long-term study published by the American Psychological Association found that feeling a sense of obligation to family and the stress of fulfilling that obligation are two different issues. While their hearts may be fine, their bodies and daily lives often become exhausted.

This leads to what is known as the "achiever's guilt." The phenomenon where enjoying opportunities that parents did not have turns into a feeling of guilt. Even when getting into a good school or landing a great job, they may not feel pure joy. In moments that should be celebratory, a part of their heart remains uncomfortable.

Psychology explains this state as a concept of unending loss. It refers to the feeling of having lost something without being able to hold a funeral or receive acknowledgment for the grief. Speaking about one's own struggles in light of the choices parents made can feel ungrateful, leading them to choose to suppress their feelings and move on.

There is also a temperature difference between the 1.5 and 2nd generations. Those who experienced immigration at a young age and witnessed their parents' struggles often carry heavier guilt from those memories, while those born in the U.S. may feel more distance than burden, having only heard the stories.

The generational gap surrounding the word "filial piety" has a similar tone. In academia, the phenomenon where the level of filial piety expected by the parent generation and the level actually expressed by the child generation diverges is referred to as intergenerational filial discord. Research shows that the larger this gap, the more disappointment is felt on both sides. Parents feel they received less, while children feel they have already done enough, creating a kind of mutual misunderstanding.

One thing you learn from long explorations is that the path laid out by those before you is not just for you to follow; it's meant for you to carve your own path from there. The sacrifices of parents likely had that original meaning: having come this far, now go in the direction you want.

That said, this is not to downplay the struggles of parents. Gratitude and a sense of indebtedness are completely different. The former arises naturally, while the latter demands proof every time.

In fact, the more a household leans towards the latter, the more likely it is that children will receive a bill named disappointment every time they make an independent choice. Children who receive that bill will always look to their parents' expressions before making their own decisions. They are told to choose freely, yet the answer has already been predetermined.

Therefore, the surprisingly simple advice given in counseling settings is to use the word "choice" instead of "sacrifice." Saying "I sacrificed for you" versus "I made that choice" may convey the same factual information, but the weight it places on the child's shoulders feels entirely different.

Ultimately, it seems the key lies in how the word "sacrifice" is used at home. The moment it is brought up like a bill, it becomes a weapon, but if it remains a story of the past, it becomes a legacy. What the next generation may need is not perfect success, but perhaps just a reminder that their life is theirs to live.