Living in Albany, New York, I finally watched the film Ironweed (1987) properly.

I knew it was an old movie from 40 years ago, but after watching it, I felt a heaviness in my heart for several days.

The fact that the film is set in Albany, where I live, gave me a strange feeling.

The streets and old buildings that I usually pass by without a second thought appeared completely different in the movie.

This film, released in 1987, was directed by Hector Babenco and stars Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep.

It is based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Albany-born author William Kennedy.

The setting is Albany in 1938, during the Great Depression.

The protagonist, Francis Phelan, was once a baseball player but is now a homeless man wandering the streets.

After losing his young son due to his own mistakes, he couldn't bear the guilt and left his family.

He lives relying on alcohol, and the memories of the past never truly let him go.

Meryl Streep's character, Helen, was once a singer but is now worn down by alcohol, poverty, and illness.

The two of them, unable to save each other, strangely cannot part ways.

The most heartbreaking part of the film for me was that relationship.

If I were younger, I might have easily asked why they lived that way. I would have thought they could just quit drinking, find a job, and start over.

But now that I'm over forty, I think I understand that life isn't that simple.

Some people suffer for a lifetime due to a single mistake, while others miss opportunities repeatedly until they find themselves with nowhere to return.

Jack Nicholson's performance was also impressive. Unlike the rough and confident persona he usually portrays in his films, here he shows a man weighed down by his past memories.

Especially in the scene where he reunites with family, the guilt that never fades, no matter how much time passes, is palpable.

Helen is a shabby and exhausted woman, but sometimes when she sings or reminisces about the past, it reveals that she was once someone with dreams.

Watching her, I think that she probably didn't want to live like this from the start.

The Albany depicted in the film is cold and gloomy. It features old buildings, shabby accommodations, and people wandering the streets.

Although it's a different era from today's Albany, the unique atmosphere of an old city felt strangely familiar.

The title Ironweed is also intriguing. It refers to a plant that grows in harsh environments, oddly resembling the characters in the film.

Honestly, it's not a fun or comforting movie. There aren't many laughs, and it's not a film that leaves you feeling good afterward. 

Yet, strangely, you find yourself watching it until the end.

After the movie ended, I wondered what would have happened if Francis had returned home just a little earlier.

But for him, the very act of going home might have been the hardest thing in the world.

As someone living in Albany, watching this film has changed the way I view the city a bit.

In the streets we pass by every day, there must be layers of regrets, wounds, and forgotten stories belonging to someone.

The film Ironweed doesn't tell a hopeful story that everything will get better if you start life over.

Instead, it quietly shows how weak a person can become and that even such a person still possesses a human heart and dignity.

Now, I think I understand a little that while some people have lived their lives wrongly, others have lost their way because they don't know how to live.