The days when my salary comes in twice a month are a brief moment of happiness.

Even the gray skies of Seattle seem to look blue on those days. A cup of coffee in the morning, a poke bowl for lunch to stay healthy, and a simple beer with friends after work. But by the end of the day... strangely, my bank account is always empty.

I am a thirty-something office worker living in Seattle. After taxes, I earn about $3,750 a month. It's not a lot, but it's not an insufficient amount for living alone.

However, when I check my bank account, the balance is always low, and in recent months, I have even gone beyond overdraft and am surviving on credit card payments.

Why has it come to this?

To be precise, I don't have a lack of money. I am a person who cannot save money.

More accurately, I am addicted to a spending routine that makes it hard to even think about saving money.

The coffee I grab on my way to the office costs about $6, and on weekends, I order food with a delivery fee of $5 because I'm tired.

I have more than 7-8 subscription services, including Netflix, Disney streaming, music, Dropbox, and online fitness.

Altogether, I spend about $300 every month just on fixed expenses.

On top of that, there's credit card debt. I started swiping my card when I was dating my girlfriend, and after we broke up, I've barely been able to make the minimum payments each month.

After overspending, the interest keeps piling up, and even when I pay it off, I end up using it again... I spend over $200 a month just on credit card interest.

Rent, car lease, maintenance costs, and insurance alone amount to $3,000, so I have to manage food and pocket money with about $700.

So these days, I am at war with myself. It's the no-spending challenge.

I've decided not to spend money on anything other than essentials for a week.

But the problem is, once this challenge is over, the suppressed desire to spend explodes, leading to retaliatory spending.

Once a month, I become a person who lives for today, and my bank balance returns to $0.

Thus, the sad pattern of no-spending challenge → retaliatory spending → fixed expense routine → card payment → back to no-spending challenge repeats.

I know. This lifestyle cannot last long. So I am making small changes.

I drink office coffee instead of Starbucks, deleted delivery apps to cook at home, and canceled 3 automatic subscription payments.

I still have credit card debt, and the desire to spend remains.

But sometimes, if I have even $1,000 left in my account, I feel proud.

I still have a long way to go, but at least now I understand 'why this is happening.'

It's not that I don't have money, but that I couldn't manage it.

Now I need to get married... I think I've been living too comfortably, thinking I could rely on my parents' help.

It took me 10 years to accept that fact, but now I am slowly learning how to control my spending and my life.