"They say it's good to raise kids in America."
"Public education is good, the air is good, and you don't have to worry about what others think."
"You can live for yourself there."

These are familiar words to many Korean mothers who decided to immigrate.

The expectation of a new life in a foreign land, the hope for a better future, and the desire to open up a wider world for their children led them to choose America.

However, the reality they faced upon arrival was somewhat different. No, it was very different.

Not Having Friends Is Not Just Simple Loneliness

Simple invitations like "Let's have lunch together" or "Let's meet at the playground after the kids finish preschool," which were ordinary in Korea, are hard to find here. In a strange neighborhood, with a different culture and an uncertain language, initiating a conversation with someone is not as easy as it seems. Moreover, even if there is a Korean community, it is quite burdensome to join already established small groups or church gatherings.

As time passes, one becomes accustomed to being 'alone.' After taking care of the kids and doing housework all day, the sun sets before you know it, and days go by without a single word spoken. At first, the life of an outsider felt strange and uncomfortable, but as time goes on, loneliness gradually begins to transform into a sense of isolation.

The Distance with My Husband, Reasons for Growing Apart

Conversations that were naturally shared within the same language and culture in Korea gradually decrease after immigration. The husband is busy taking care of the family, becoming accustomed to American-style communication at work. Meanwhile, the wife, dedicated to raising the children and supporting the family, finds her connections with the outside world diminishing.

"Why did I come all the way here?"
"Is this really the life I wanted?"

By the time these thoughts arise, silence builds up between the couple as conversations dwindle. As the child grows, the mother feels increasingly lonely, and the husband seeks comfort more outside the home. Sometimes, it feels like there is a gap deeper than the ocean between the two people living in the same house.

The Child Grows Well, But I Feel Stuck

After immigration, mothers refer to themselves by no other name than 'mom.' They plan their days around the child's school schedule and spend most of their time on the child, aside from attending a few ESL classes. As the child grows confidently in English, the mother feels increasingly disconnected from the world.

The child's classroom expands, and friends increase, but the mother feels her own world shrinking. As the child gains confidence, the mother loses her self-esteem. Behind the child's brilliant growth, there is a mother who has silently come to a standstill.

There Is a Community, But a Wall We Cannot Belong To

Korean markets, Korean churches, Korean academies. The community exists, but true relationships are not easily formed. Those who have already settled do not easily open their hearts to newcomers, and the unspoken phrase "You have to manage on your own here" lingers. The moment one becomes conscious of others' gazes and whispers, mothers become even more silent and focused on protecting themselves.

Ultimately, 'life in America' does not become freer and more relaxed, but rather a more cautious and isolated path. For the child, it is a wide world, while for the mother, it is a narrowing fence.

So, How Should We Live?

We cannot just wait for someone. If you feel lonely now, you must muster the courage to reach out first. Say hello to a mom living in the same neighborhood and try to engage in small talk at school events. Even if your English is not perfect, the heart connects.

Above all, it is important not to lose 'myself.' Even if it's just 30 minutes a day, try to do something you love. Read a book, go for a walk, write, or listen to music like you used to. Before being a mom or a wife, I am 'me.'

It is true that life as an immigrant in America can be lonely and tough, but you do not have to be completely alone. There is surely someone else out there who feels as lonely as you do. Those friends may be the ones we need to seek out first.