Don't misunderstand the title. If there was a cost involved, I would make my girlfriend not spend money and I would cover all the date expenses.

However, thinking back to those days in my 20s when I was making girlfriends, my face gets hot, and upon reflection, there are so many brilliant yet laugh-inducing memories.

At that time, the more I think about it, the more I realize I did a lot of silly things. No, to be more precise, it was both innocence and foolishness.

For example, if a girl I liked was in the university library, I would sit next to her pretending to read a book, but I couldn't turn a single page for an hour. Inside, I was thinking, "Should I talk to her? Should I not? Would it be a nuisance if I go now? But what if I never get another chance?" repeating those thoughts 700 times.

Then suddenly, when my courage exploded, I would say something weird at an odd timing. "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" Something like that. Looking back, I wonder what kind of mindset I had to attempt such conversations. If it were now, I would have slapped myself.

Asking for a date was a masterpiece. On some days, I would hold the phone for 40 minutes without pressing the call button, my hands shaking.

Now, I would comfortably text, "Hey, do you want to grab a meal?" and if there's no reply, I would just accept, "Oh, I guess I've been left on read." But back then, if I got rejected, I would be so simple-minded that I would be depressed all day, and at the same time, I was exaggeratedly serious.

Thinking back now, I wonder if the unique brilliance of that time was because I didn't know how to calculate.

When I thought about love, all circumstances just ended, and it was only about going straight ahead; I couldn't hide my feelings even if I tried to act nonchalant.

What about now? "What is the happiness efficiency relative to the time spent in this relationship? What are the maintenance costs? What is the emotional consumption return rate?" Emotions flow like a company's financial statement. Instead of excitement, rationality and stability have become important. Back then, I thought that was what it meant to be an adult, but it's a bit sad. Instead of excitement, it's risk management.

If I could see my 20-year-old self now, I would think I was so naive and so lost. Buying two movie tickets and when she said she was busy, I would watch the movie alone, eating all the popcorn, wondering why the weather was so sunny on the way out. On such days, I would come home and drink soju with a friend, giving a lecture on "What is love?" as a life philosophy. Looking back, it's not just funny, it's cute. But I won't wrap it up in a way that says the current me exists because of the past me.

Sometimes, when I see couples in their 20s passing by, I smile bitterly. That guy might be smiling now, but he could be worrying all night about losing that girl. If she takes a while to reply, he might be checking notifications like crazy. I was like that too. Checking my phone every 15 seconds. Monitoring it like it was work, not love. Who knows, maybe these days, guys are getting dating coaching from chat GPT and dating differently than we did....

But if I could go back to being 20, would I act foolishly again? Would I jump in without calculations?

Probably, I would. That's youth. Impulsiveness, recklessness, and lack of awareness; those were the colors of love in my 20s.

If I went back and acted smart, would I have gotten better results? No, I probably would have had less fun and less emotion. Youth isn't about being efficient. It's about beautiful mistakes and awkwardness; that's what youth is.

Now, I choose calm stability and realistic happiness over that foolish excitement. But sometimes, I miss those days.

"I want to foolishly mess up again."

That's youth, and that brilliant foolishness made me who I am.