In my first year of high school, at the age of fifteen, I packed my bags with my parents and flew to California, USA.

From that moment on, transferring to an American school, I was literally in a "sink or swim" situation.

Reading textbooks during class was manageable, but the everyday English thrown around during lunch was really tough.

Especially, there are still words that confuse me when it comes to describing people's personalities. One of them is "passive-aggressive".

I first heard this expression right after a sort of argument with a school friend. I just forced a smile to brush off my bad feelings, and then my friend said this.

"You know what? You're being really passive-aggressive right now."

I thought to myself, 'Huh? Not aggressive, not passive, but both?' I was confused. When I looked it up, it meant "a person who is passively aggressive" and "a tendency to express discomfort indirectly without stating it outright".

In simple terms, it's when you say "I'm fine~" on the outside while your expression shows you're not fine at all. You say, "I understand~ you're right~" while glaring behind their back.

In fact, this kind of personality is quite a 'target' in American society, but in Korea, this style is very common.

When my mom says, "Come eat quickly!" while banging around in the kitchen, or when a friend says, "Just go, I don't care" while showing a disappointed look, we interpret that naturally.

But in America?

You're a "passive-aggressive" person.

In American culture, the basic rule is to express emotions by saying it straight.

If you feel hurt, you should say, "That hurt me," and if you have complaints, you should point out, "I think this is unfair."

But I still find that difficult.

Even now in my thirties, when my husband makes a mistake,

I say "It's fine~" while slamming the door,

and when I don't talk during dinner while showing my displeasure,

I think to myself, 'I still have a passive-aggressive side.'

Other confusing English expressions for describing people

• "people pleaser"
  This term also applies quite a bit to Koreans.
  On the surface, they seem nice, but in reality, they are the type who suppress their own feelings to satisfy others.

• "control freak"
  A person who feels anxious if they can't control everything.
  I have a friend like this; when we travel, they plan everything about the accommodation, food, and itinerary, and when I suggest something, they subtly dismiss it with, "That's a bit...".

• "gaslighter"
  This term is used a lot these days, referring to a person who ignores the other person's opinion and tries to brainwash them into believing only their own opinion is the truth.
  For example, someone who keeps pushing with, "You're being too sensitive, what did I do wrong?".

What I Learn Living in America is More About 'Ways of Expression' than English

Learning English is difficult, but understanding the culture of emotional expression embedded in the language is even harder.

Americans often start their sentences with "I feel...".

"I feel hurt."
"I feel disrespected."
"I feel like you're ignoring me."

At first, those phrases felt a bit cringy, but now I understand. If you don't express your feelings honestly, you end up being "passive-aggressive" and relationships get tangled.

Five years into marriage. My husband, who was born in America, is quite transparent with his emotions.
One day, when I was angry but not saying anything, he smiled and said.

"Are you being passive-aggressive again? Just say it. I can take it."

Hearing that made me burst out laughing, but honestly, I was grateful.

passive-aggressive, people pleaser, control freak, gaslighter...

All these words are not just simple English expressions but frames through which people are viewed in American society.

And I continue to redefine myself within that frame.

Though it still feels awkward at times, today I practice saying "I'm not okay with that" instead of "It's fine".