These days, I find myself blaming God more often.

"Why does this only happen to me?"

"What did I do wrong?"

Like questions thrown into the night sky, sometimes they pour out like tears, and at times they boil over with anger.

I used to know how to pray and be grateful, but now I just keep repeating why, why, why...

After blaming God, I feel a brief sense of relief.

"This isn't my fault. The world is wrong. God has abandoned me."

When I tell myself that, it feels like... a strange sense of liberation from responsibility.

But the problem comes after that.

While blaming God, I was gradually letting go of the steering wheel of my life.

As I blamed God every day, strangely, I lost the desire to do anything.

This situation wasn't created by me, so I had no idea how to change it, and my will to change disappeared.

"No matter what I do, it will be the same."

"In the end, it will turn out like this again."

Once that thought came to me, I stopped in my tracks.

I was sitting in the driver's seat, but there was no steering wheel, no gas or brake pedals.

I felt like a passenger just watching wherever the car went.

Perhaps I was more angry at myself.

The reason I blame God is that I couldn't handle the shame and despair within me.

"Why is it only me?"

"Is this all punishment?"

Outwardly, I was pointing fingers at God, but inwardly, I was throwing stones at myself.

I had a firm belief that I was a being deserving of punishment, unworthy of love, and a failed human being, which weighed me down.

As my self-esteem crumbled, I eventually became unable to believe in myself, regardless of whether I believed in God or not.

Blaming God is quite comfortable. The responsibility isn't mine. I have nothing to do.

But if that continues, I fall into a deep pit of lethargy.

Since I only look for problems externally, I forget even the 'responses' I can make within myself.

Even when I was unemployed or heartbroken, I was always like that.

"Why is this happening to me..." The action that follows that statement is almost doing nothing.

But looking back now, even in those situations,

if I had asked, "What can I learn from this?" "What is my emotion saying right now?"

things might have been a little different.

I felt like God was a being that punishes and judges. A being that locks me in the prison of unhappiness the moment I do something wrong.

But... that wasn't the case.

In many religions, God is said to be a companion who walks through pain with me.

When I am in pain, He feels it too, and when I fall, He quietly waits for me to get back up.

At that moment of questioning, the situation transforms from punishment to a rite of passage.

Anger, blame, and sadness towards God—these emotions are completely natural.

In fact, hiding and suppressing those emotions is more dangerous.

But if I only stay with those emotions, life comes to a halt.

Like freezing with my feet in cold water, as time passes, emotions rot, the body stiffens, and the mind becomes ill.

"Yes, this isn't my fault."

This statement can sometimes be comforting, but if I keep saying only that, the problem won't be solved, and my center will gradually disappear.

On days when I want to blame God, I will try to ask myself again.

"What I need now is not blame, but the next step."

Because I have to hold the steering wheel of my life.

The strength to believe in myself, the voice that blooms again within me—I'm determined not to stay in the place of blaming God anymore, even to reclaim that.

Today is another tough day, but while writing this, I feel that I am a person who can walk again.

And if someone with the same feelings reads this...

Take a moment to pause and then move forward again.